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First and foremost let me say (for those who may worry) that I am not an immediate risk to myself and not looking for attention so please (and I am truly begging here) don't reply or message me with comments meant to save me from myself. Seriously, they are counterproductive. I welcome your thoughts and comments about this topic and/or my opinion of this topic and am quite receptive to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and healthy debate, but insults and judgments will be treated as the hostile behaviors they truly are.
Have you ever felt such a deep sense of hopelessness and despair that you entertained suicidal thoughts, contemplated acting on them, cried out for help, or even attempted it? Or have you ever known someone close to you who has confided these thoughts and feelings in you?
For those of you who can identify with these thoughts and feelings.....how many times have you heard someone utter the words, "suicide is so selfish." Or, "suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do!" ?
For those who can't identify with suicidal feelings....how many times have you said the phrases I just mentioned to someone who was suicidal? How many times have you said them to anyone? Chances are....if the topic came up, the individual you were discussing it with was entertaining those thoughts and feelings without you ever knowing.
Let me tell you why saying that to someone who truly does feel the weight of despair, hopelessness, loneliness, and depression is too heavy to bear any longer, is not only counter-productive and dangerous, but also a fallacy of logic.
For those of you who are or ever have been suicidal I know you can identify with what I'm saying and I hope that this post will make a difference at some point in at least one person's life. Using myself as an example, I have felt the above mentioned feelings many times in my life. I have been severely abused in every way possible throughout my entire life. I have twice sat down and put a razor blade to my wrists trying to will myself to go through with it. My mother, my main source of abuse and all that is evil, when I told her how deep and dark these feelings were (on multiple occasions throughout adolescence and adulthood) told me to "do it already," and asked, "what are you waiting for?" Friends and family (some in response to my cries for help and others completely oblivious to how I was feeling) have often proclaimed their self-righteous opinion that suicide is the most selfish thing a person can do.
Well, for those who hold this opinion....let me ask you....why? What makes you think or feel that suicide is so selfish? I know the answer because I've asked many people this same question and they all say relatively the same thing....a person who commits suicide is selfish because they are causing the people who love them pain and suffering. A person thinking about or contemplating committing suicide is already suffering the deepest pain and anguish imaginable. Think about it, nobody truly wants to die just for the sake of being dead. In fact, nobody truly wants to "die" at all. What they want is for the pain to stop, at any cost, because it is truly unbearable. They've searched high and low for a solution to make it stop, they've cried out for help, and done all they know to do but yet the pain persists, leaving death as the only foreseeable option of escaping it.
It is not your job to determine why the person feels this way or to decide whether events in his or her life are worthy of these feelings. So what if YOU wouldn't feel that bad? Maybe we do. Do you think saying anything like, "you shouldn't feel so bad," or "you shouldn't let it get to you," are encouraging? No, they're not. Statements like those make it worse. You may be saying those words, but the message you're sending is...."I know you are already feeling so low that you believe death is your only option, but let me tell you how defective you are for feeling that way." So for those of us who are suffering with these feelings we are now feeling even worse because not only has something happened that crushed our spirit, but we're told we're inferior for "allowing" it to crush our spirit....which effectively reinforces our feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness.
I know those statements are not made with the intent of causing further damage, and are actually intended to make us feel better.....but they don't. What anybody feeling that deep and dark needs is validation. We need to be told that it's ok to be upset over what happened to us or what we went through. We need to be reassured that no matter how bad it is we have the security of your love and acceptance, and that you will do whatever it is we need you to do to encourage and support us.
The fallacy of logic in telling a suicidal person that suicide is selfish is....the suicidal person has reached out to you for help, for comfort, for support and while you may not have recognized their cries for what they were, you have failed to provide those basic needs, leaving that person to suffer alone in anguish. Then, by saying it's selfish, you are actually saying, "I won't help you feel better, but I want you to feel worse because if you choose to end your life you will be causing me pain. And the pain you're suffering is not nearly as important as the pain I will be suffering." That is not going to stop someone from ending their pain, that is only going to intensify the pain and make the need to stop it that much stronger. You're also saying, "it is selfish of you to want to end your suffering and you should continue suffering so I don't have to suffer or feel guilty for not answering your cries when I should have." I mean, who's really selfish in that scenario?
So please, if someone reaches out to you, understand how real and intense whatever it is they are feeling is and ask what you can do to help, then do it. And for those of you feeling the weight of despair....reach out and keep reaching out. Don't be afraid to tell people what you need and stand up for yourself if they attempt to tell you you're wrong. Rest assured when this happens it is not a sign that you are the defective one, it is a sign that the person making you feel that way is emotionally incompetent and incapable of the empathy and compassion you need right now.
Ordinarily I would read and re-write a post like this multiple times before feeling comfortable with publishing it. This particular post may read as the ramblings of an emotionally disturbed person, but the content is significant and profound if you can truly grasp the concepts within.
I can’t stand being in this town. I don’t feel safe. My living situation is less than desirable. Anxiety is major. If I don’t take medicine to help me sleep, I don’t fall asleep until 3 or 4am, then I find myself wide awake at 7am with anxiety. If I do take medicine, I sleep and sleep and sleep and have to set multiple alarms and peel myself out of bed 30 minutes before work starts or I’d sleep the entire day away.
There’s a place I want to move very badly. My heart is there, and I believe I belong there. I would feel much safer. I would know a few people. I would be near places I love to visit. I’m trying and trying and trying to get a job there. But, I’m not trying hard enough. It’s hard to give my all to anything, while fighting off depression, fighting off nightmares and anxiety and loneliness and boundary violations. Sigh. I don’t know. Nights are dark.
2008 the first time I wanted to hurt myself
2009 suicidal thought started
2010 self harm started
2011 abused and lost a child
I'm 52 years old I suffer from depression, but manage OK when properly medicated...I like to think myself an artist, and poet...I can get lost in a painting...I can tie down my emotions with my poems...Am I a writer, I wrote this poem..asking the verry same question.
I love the white of the paper, but it wont stay that way
As long as I have pen in hand, and something I must say
I write down all my feelings, my hopes, and my dreams
Trying to make sense in a world thats not always what it seems
I love the smell of the ink as it flows onto the page
Without me my pen is emotionless, no sorrow, no joy, no rage
It's just a tool than when applied sets my feelings free
The ink entrapping all for me, and the world to see
Am I a writer, I dont know, what I do know is I like to write
And as long as I have pen in hand, and pages clean, and white
The pen will move, the ink will flow, my thoughts will be contained
On page after page of paper, ever so neetly arainged...
I've never been on this site before, but my fiance and I are in need of any help we can get. I was in an 18-wheeler roll over in Oct 07' and am still in need of medical care and surgeries that I can't afford and can't seem to find help for. I am trying to get SSI just until I can get my medical issues resolved, but have gotten denied and am trying to fight it. To top it off... in June 2011, my fiance' was diagnosed with HIV so bad we almost lost him. He is doing better every day, but is unable to work and I have to care for him 24/7 due to seizures and occasional confusion. It is basically impossible for me to work away from home and we can't afford all our bills right now... God has blessed us with our love, home, vehicles (1 running), and his love and I believe he will continue to bless us...
I had hoped it would help. It has not. He is still depressed, still agoraphobic and the worst part for me, still has dependent personality disorder. Now for those who don’t know what this is, well it means I can’t leave the house without him and naturally he can’t leave the house without me. We have not been more than 50 feet from each other in the year he has been here. He can’t go and do anything like movies, bowling, shopping or anything like that so I can’t either, when I myself feel able to do any of those things that is. Don’t feel sorry for me though. I have fallen in love and this is a small sacrifice to make sure he is okay.
We both applied for disability five months ago but it is still working through the process. My unemployment ran out six weeks ago so we have no more income and to make matters worse my father who has early onset dementia with psychotic features had no where else to go so he is living with us now. This has all put serious strain on me. How to pay bills with no money? How do I help this man I love get better? How do I get my sick dad, who has no one else to help him get to appointments with doctors and therapist when I can’t leave the house myself? How do I get better?
I am in serious need of help. I need to be able to at least keep the house and keep the lights on. I don’ t know what to do. I am lost. There is no help for someone who tries to help others. I called the department of family and children services and asked if there was any government program or even charity they knew of that I could apply for help with and they acted like I was a crazy person. She was like, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do for you.”
I am out of savings and my bills are due. I have appealed to family and friends but they are all strapped themselves. I have sold my van, a computer and anything else I had around my house to survive but I am tapped out. Now I am here, depressed and hurting all the time, my friend is here, depressed and we both are having a lot of anxiety. My dad is here and has no where else to go and I am so scared. I have never been in a situation where I had not only my life but the lives of others in my hands and I can’t do anything.
I feel helpless, hopeless and sometimes think it’s not worth going on. I just need some help making my bills for now until disability comes through. Then some of my stress will be reduced. Some that is. But that is most pressing right now. Like I said, keeping the lights on and a phone and car going in case of emergencies.
On top of everything I feel so alone. I have to try and smile because I don’t want my friend or dad to worry. I won’t them to know I am gonna be here for them and not let them down. But I don’t know where to turn to get the help so that does not happen. I am afraid. I am scared. I am depressed and stressed. I need help.
I am a retired registered nurse. I have worked in hospitals, home care agencies, a health dept., and hospice. I enjoy helping people. I am a nurturer. I love animals and children. I have adopted two small children who are also my great grandchildren. Both of them have ADHD and sensory integration problems. Both are on medication for the ADHD. My son has emotional and mental problems relating to his birth mother and anger about her giving him away. He has been in counseling for years. He is 11 years old. Both of my children have been removed from our home and are in DCS custody. We have had to battle with DCS for 2 years now trying to get our son back. Our daughter, age 7, is in a foster home. We have only seen her once for 2 hours in the last 6 weeks. We live on 49 acres in a triple wide modular home. We have everything here a child needs, but DCS always thinks they know what chlldren need more than parents. We go to court about once a month. We can't afford a lawyer. We don't qualify for a court appointed lawyer, although we live mostly off social security, because our income is too high. WE can't get legal aid because they won't touch a DCS case. So we have no attorney. We go to court and we just let them tell us what to do next. The stress of having both kids removed has caused me to be hospitalized for cardiac testing. They tell me it is all due to stress. I love my kids. I want them back. I have put it all in God's hands now. I am incapable of doing anything myself to get them back.