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More and more depressed/suicidal I don't know how to move on... A day I need advise..
2008 the first time I wanted to hurt myself
2009 suicidal thought started
2010 self harm started
2011 abused and lost a child
2012?

feeling like shit today..........

I'm 52 years old I suffer from depression, but manage OK when properly medicated...I like to think myself an artist, and poet...I can get lost in a painting...I can tie down my emotions with my poems...Am I a writer, I wrote this poem..asking the verry same question.

I love the white of the paper, but it wont stay that way

As long as I have pen in hand, and something I must say

I write down all my feelings, my hopes, and my dreams

Trying to make sense in a world thats not always what it seems

I love the smell of the ink as it flows onto the page

Without me my pen is emotionless, no sorrow, no joy, no rage

It's just a tool than when applied sets my feelings free

The ink entrapping all for me, and the world to see

Am I a writer, I dont know, what I do know is I like to write

And as long as I have pen in hand, and pages clean, and white

The pen will move, the ink will flow, my thoughts will be contained

On page after page of paper, ever so neetly arainged...

I've never been on this site before, but my fiance and I are in need of any help we can get. I was in an 18-wheeler roll over in Oct 07' and am still in need of medical care and surgeries that I can't afford and can't seem to find help for. I am trying to get SSI just until I can get my medical issues resolved, but have gotten denied and am trying to fight it. To top it off... in June 2011, my fiance' was diagnosed with HIV so bad we almost lost him. He is doing better every day, but is unable to work and I have to care for him 24/7 due to seizures and occasional confusion. It is basically impossible for me to work away from home and we can't afford all our bills right now... God has blessed us with our love, home, vehicles (1 running), and his love and I believe he will continue to bless us...

I have anxiety disorder, sometimes raging agoraphobia and also fell in 2007, causing two vertebrae to bulge and also did some nerve damage to my left arm. I suffer from severe back pain, hip and leg pain everyday and I drop things with my left had constantly! I tried and tried to push on, through the pain and depression I had but finally cracked and I was laid off in 2010 from my job for not being able to handle the pain or the pressure and stress and shortly thereafter met a guy who I will call Jake. Jake has panic disorder, agoraphobia and dependent personality disorder. His family had abandoned him, his friends had become fatigued with his panic attacks. He was in a bad situation being abused by someone who was taking advantage of his disabilities. My mother had over 20 years of suffering this type of illness and was in an abusive marriage, and I had had my own issues with anxiety and depression so I felt I had to help. I invited him to come live in my home. I told him I would do all I could to help. I arranged some free therapy. Introduced him to my friends and family. Gave him all the kindness and love I had in me.

I had hoped it would help. It has not. He is still depressed, still agoraphobic and the worst part for me, still has dependent personality disorder. Now for those who don’t know what this is, well it means I can’t leave the house without him and naturally he can’t leave the house without me. We have not been more than 50 feet from each other in the year he has been here. He can’t go and do anything like movies, bowling, shopping or anything like that so I can’t either, when I myself feel able to do any of those things that is. Don’t feel sorry for me though. I have fallen in love and this is a small sacrifice to make sure he is okay.

We both applied for disability five months ago but it is still working through the process. My unemployment ran out six weeks ago so we have no more income and to make matters worse my father who has early onset dementia with psychotic features had no where else to go so he is living with us now. This has all put serious strain on me. How to pay bills with no money? How do I help this man I love get better? How do I get my sick dad, who has no one else to help him get to appointments with doctors and therapist when I can’t leave the house myself? How do I get better?

I am in serious need of help. I need to be able to at least keep the house and keep the lights on. I don’ t know what to do. I am lost. There is no help for someone who tries to help others. I called the department of family and children services and asked if there was any government program or even charity they knew of that I could apply for help with and they acted like I was a crazy person. She was like, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do for you.”

I am out of savings and my bills are due. I have appealed to family and friends but they are all strapped themselves. I have sold my van, a computer and anything else I had around my house to survive but I am tapped out. Now I am here, depressed and hurting all the time, my friend is here, depressed and we both are having a lot of anxiety. My dad is here and has no where else to go and I am so scared. I have never been in a situation where I had not only my life but the lives of others in my hands and I can’t do anything.

I feel helpless, hopeless and sometimes think it’s not worth going on. I just need some help making my bills for now until disability comes through. Then some of my stress will be reduced. Some that is. But that is most pressing right now. Like I said, keeping the lights on and a phone and car going in case of emergencies.

On top of everything I feel so alone. I have to try and smile because I don’t want my friend or dad to worry. I won’t them to know I am gonna be here for them and not let them down. But I don’t know where to turn to get the help so that does not happen. I am afraid. I am scared. I am depressed and stressed. I need help.

I am a retired registered nurse.  I have worked in hospitals, home care agencies, a health dept., and hospice.  I enjoy helping people.  I am a nurturer.  I love animals and children.  I have adopted two small children who are also my great grandchildren.  Both of them have ADHD and sensory integration problems.  Both are on medication for the ADHD.  My son has emotional and mental problems relating to his birth mother and anger about her giving him away.  He has been in counseling for years.  He is 11 years old.  Both of my children have been removed from our home and are in DCS custody.  We have had to battle with DCS for 2 years now trying to get our son back.  Our daughter, age 7, is in a foster home.  We have only seen her once for 2 hours in the last 6 weeks. We live on 49 acres in a triple wide modular home.  We have everything here a child needs, but DCS always thinks they know what chlldren need more than parents.  We go to court about once a month.  We can't afford a lawyer.  We don't qualify for a court appointed lawyer, although we live mostly off social security, because our income is too high.  WE can't get legal aid because they won't touch a DCS case.  So we have no attorney.  We go to court and we just let them tell us what to do next.  The stress of having both kids removed has caused me to be hospitalized for cardiac testing.  They tell me it is all due to stress.  I love my kids.  I want them back. I have put it all in God's hands now.  I am incapable of doing anything myself to get them back. 

I am so depressed right now, I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up again